As we head into the holiday season, I think that some of the more. . .mature. . .
of my readers might enjoy taking a little quiz I made up a few years ago.
Here it is:
THE HOT FLASH QUIZ
Check Your Temperature and Find Your Personality Type!
Answer YES or NO.
- Have you been known to stand with your head in the freezer?
- Have you ever rushed from the room with your thighs clutched together?
- Have you caught yourself stripping in line at the bank/grocery store/post office?
- All those Post-Its you stuck on your desk yesterday? You have no idea what they mean.
- Do you think Ben & Jerry should be shot for making their containers too small?
- You’re thinking you’ll just give up and let your hair be its natural Rosanne RosannaDanna style.
- You have so many wrinkles on your face you could play “Lady of Spain” by pulling on your ears.
- When the waitress said, “Here’s your iced hazelnut,” you thought she said, “Here’s your iced tea, slut.”
- Have you ever suddenly, for no reason, turned into Satana, Queen of the Damned?
- Do your jeans shrink two sizes while you’re wearing them?
Hot Flash Personality Types
If you answered yes to 4 questions, you are The Warped Cookie Sheet. You’re good-natured, easy-going, and practical. Either you have a mild case or things are just beginning, in which case, remember, there’s still time to pack away the fragile china. Put some emotional credit in your relationship bank now and do some unexpected, undeserved, and really, really nice things for your friends and loved ones. Then tell them to fasten their seat belts.
If you answered yes to 5 questions, you are The Limp Tea Cozy. You’re introspective, patient, and a perfectionist, and you’re exhausted from sleepless nights, sucking in your stomach, and ripping off your clothes. Put away the needlepoint, knitting, and anything else involving pointed objects. Take up finger painting. Buy one of those cute battery-operated fans that fit in your purse. Stock up on floral greeting cards saying “Forgive me.”
6 yeses? You’re The Boiled Spaghetti Brain. You’re an achiever, energetic and creative, but hormones are unplugging your cerebral wiring. If you keep this up, your brain will fly apart and hit the ceiling like noodles. Cut yourself some slack. Learn to take naps. Acquire an artistic appearance and carry a volume by Proust at all times so when you can’t remember your friends’ names, they’ll assume you’re engrossed in philosophical contemplations.
7 yeses? You’re The Shorted-Out Toaster. You’re outgoing, vivacious, energetic, a leader, but hot flashes have melted your sensitivity monitors. Time to hand over the controls to someone else and refrain from operating machinery. Stop judging yourself by weight and wrinkles. Eat all the chocolate you want. Go to a library or bookstore where no one knows you and get a pile of serial killer novels. Get some graphic-as-you-can-take-them romance novels, too. Let the laundry pile up, the kids cook for themselves, lock yourself in your room, and get away from it all for at least two hours a day. They’ll survive. It will be better for all of you. Trust me.
8 yeses? You’re The Psychotic Microwave Oven. You’re sensitive, sexy, and smart. You’re doing your best to remain sane but your behavior’s erratic. You’d like to read, but can’t concentrate. You need to vent. Watch DVDs that make you a)scream in terror and b) weep hysterically. Forget about your weight and eat nuts, popcorn, carrots, and other foods allowing demonic crunching, plus all the chocolate you can eat.
9 yeses? You’re The Exploding Radiator. Passionate, vigorous, and productive, you’ve arrived at the Blazing Depths of Hormone Hell. You’re overloaded, overheated, and overdone. Survival Measures Required. Take all the personal and sick days you can get. Check into a local hotel, don’t give anyone the number, and order enormous amounts of food from room service. Take long hot showers and – this is important –drop your wet towels on the floor and let someone else deal with them. Sleep as much as you can and watch lots of Pay Per View Movies.
10 yeses? You’re The Whimpering Puddle of Shapeless Lava. Congratulations. You’re better off than you realize. The worst is almost over. You have no waistline, but you’re wise, humorous, and gentle. Probably your loved ones still love you and you still have a job. Time to send out those apology cards and reenter the world. Give presents for no reason at all. Eat chocolate. Arrange weekly dinners with friends. Best solution: start your own Hot Flash Club.
And here’s a joke for you all!
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, I’m not,” says the man.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.”